More Memes

"Fashion is nothing more than an induced epidemic."

Oscar Wilde

Esteemed Reader,

Several weeks ago, I promised to discuss another ‘Meme’ that bugs me: “We sat on the runway for hours.” I have two theses to cover here: first, how the government led to this meme’s growth and second, why you have never, ever ‘sat on the runway.’

Sometime in the ‘90s, our wonderful government decided that the poor performance of the airlines had to stop and therefore they would track the on-time performance of all the people carriers and publish the data, giving you - the airline consumer - the information you need to make informed decisions. As is usual, your fine government experts ‘screwed the pooch.’ “We’re from the Government and we are here to help you!”

To document this I give you this linky-link. From that fine document, I quote this paragraph:

"A flight is counted as "on time" if it operated less than 15 minutes after the scheduled time shown in the carriers' Computerized Reservations Systems (CRS). All tables in this report except Table 4 are based on gate arrival times."

When you climb on an airplane to go somewhere, I would submit that – while moderately important – the actual departure time of the jet is not your foremost concern. What you really desire is that the airline delivers you where you are going on time. Some gummitup bureaucrat decided that if the airplane pushes on time, it will arrive on time and gave the airlines a loophole big enough to drive a 747 through. With the definition above, they can push back on time, get credit for an on-time push, and then leave you sitting for hours.

At risk of turning this blog into a political one, Esteemed Reader, you should reflect on the implications of this story as applied to National Health Care.

Moving on.....

No matter what you might think, you have never ‘sat on the runway for hours.’ The runway is a very special stretch of concrete specifically dedicated for take-offs and landings. Any pilot who parked the jet on a runway for hours would be professionally brain-dead, totally unsafe and guilty of criminal negligence. ‘Sitting on the runway for hours’ is just plain dangerous. Sooner, rather than later, there would be a loud explosion that you may or may not hear…..

Airplanes do not sit on the runway for hours. I am not saying that you have not been the captive of the airline - stuck in an aluminum tube for hours – I have too. You just didn’t do it on the runway.

So where were you? When you stand there in the terminal, gazing out over the airport proper, you are looking at three distinct categories of concrete on what is amateurishly called the ‘tarmac.’ (No professional aviator ever allows the word ‘tarmac’ to pass their lips.)

The categories are: runways, taxiways and the ramp.

Let’s take the ramp first. The ramp is where the airplanes get parked. Don’t ask me why it is called the ramp – I don’t know why - it just is. (Why do sailors call ropes, sheets and potties, heads?) The ramp is connected to the runways by the taxiways. It is just this simple: airplanes are parked on the ramp, taxi on the taxiways and takeoff on the runway.

So, next time the miserable waiting game happens to you, impress your friends and acquaintances and say: “We sat on the ramp for hours!”

I remain,

Dad/Geoff