Tales from Ilona's Bed and Breakfast

Gentle Reader,

I have about two years of travelog emails that I would like to put on this blog, but I find the task somewhat daunting. There's a lot of stuff, most of it somewhat boring, all of it disorganized. What I've decided to do is to just start telling my tales from the present and go back and include previous emails if they add something to the story.

Today, I just finished two days of simulator check rides which make me a qualified pilot for another year. I don't want to talk about these check ride events - in fact, I want to forget them as quickly as possible.

What I do want to talk about is where I stay while I am here in Anchorage. I am 'domiciled' in Anchorage. FedEx now has three domiciles. The main domicile in Memphis where most of the pilots work with Boeing 727s, Boeing 757s, Airbus 300's, and MD-11s. There is a much smaller MD-11 domicile in Los Angelese, another here in Anchorage, a very small Airbus domicile in Subic Bay, Philipine Islands and soon we will open a new Airbus domicile in Hong Kong. One does not have to live in the city of one's domicile but if you don't, the commute to and from work and your living arrangements while you are there are your responsbility. Not FedEx's.

I was lucky to discover Ilona's Bed & Breakfast operation here in Anchorage. She does not have a website so no linky-link. Here's what I wrote in December '06 when I started staying here:

Ilona's Bed and Breakfast: Ilona Gnosmer and her husband, Laurenz, run an interesting operation near the airport in Anchorage. Their background is somewhat murky: it runs from Yugoslavia to Hungary to Germany. They raised a family in Germany and still have children there. They also have a kid in Alaska, which I gather is why they live in Anchorage, now. They have two houses - the "Old House" and the "New House." Each house has to six or so bedrooms and while they will take anyone in, they really cater to airline crews, mostly NW and FedEx. They run both places, just the two of them together, and will come to pick us up at the ramp, show us to the room, feed us breakfast and take us back to work. It looks like they go as hard as they can go, all day long, 7 days a week.

Ilona is as grandmotherly as you wish to mentally picture. She's "Oma." Loves to cook and wants you to eat. Great breakfasts, TVs in every room and a big screen TV in the living room. Both houses are full of kitschy knick knacks and pictures and suchlike, very comforting and homelike. There are computers in both houses and a wireless network too. They even have an extra car they'll rent for $10 a day. All this for $300 a month, so, I've solved my crash pad dilemma.

2008 Update: She will rent you a room a day at a time for $40/Day American in the winter off season and $65/Day in the summer tourist season. The Boys from UPS have discovered the deal and she's making money like gangbusters. She's always full.

Six Days later I wrote this:

A quick story: there is a "Tasty Freeze" near this place. Walked up there the other day out of boredom. They have a sign that says: "The most northern Tasty Freeze in the world. Selling ice cream to Eskimos is not a joke, it's a business." That tickled me. It was a 20 degrees F outside, but I had milkshake anyway.

Then this email in March of '07 started what I have come to think of as the 'Hummer Debacle':

As I go about my globe spanning duties, I am ever on the alert for interesting or absurd sights to share with you all. Last night I saw a sight that falls heavily into the absurd category. There is a nice grill about a 1/4 mile away and I went there last night about 9pm for dinner after I got settled into my room. I had a nice salad and some coconut shrimps at the grill, paid for them and left to walk home.

Next door is the famous "Tasty Freez" (TF) that I described some months back. This is the TF that brags about being the "Most Northerly Tasty Freez in the World" and the place where "Selling ice cream to Eskimos isn't at joke, it's a business plan!" They also cater heavily to the Air National Guard C-130 wing that is just around the corner. You always see "guard bums" in uniform having lunch in there. They have a sign behind the counter that claims that the Tasty Freez is the "301st Ice Cream Support Squadron (ISS)", which I think is kind of cool. By the way, gentle reader, I have not reached the absurd part of this story yet, I'm just trying to paint the foundation on the canvas for you. This TF has a personality not found in your garden variety fast food gee-dunks.

Walking towards the TF, I saw a Hummer Limousine parked in front of the TF. Gentle reader, I did not know that Hummer made limousines. Inside the TF were a group of nicely dressed teenagers getting ice cream, obviously on their way to some High School soirée. Back to the limo: it was a solid white, stretched Hummer Limousine. Actually, "stretched" does not do service to this thing. It was looooong. I swear as I looked at it, my eyes detected a slight spavined droop to the thing it was so long. I walked right by it so I decided to pace off the length of the thing. It was 12 strides from front to back, which from my golfing game, I know makes it 12 yards long or 36 feet. It had purple and white flashy lights along the running board and white strobe lights in each of the 7 side windows. "Gaudy", "ridiculous" and "extravagant" were words that came to mind. Oh, and "absurd" too.

As I walked along side of it to measure it, I swear I heard it whisper, "Hey, stop that, it's not my fault! If I'd have been one car back in the factory line, I'd be a perfectly respectable Hummer working in Afghanistan!" But this poor thing had to wind up being a gaudy joke of a vehicle, sitting in front of the only TF in Alaska, hauling teenagers around. If ever there was an indicator that America is too prosperous, this may be it.

Esteemed readers, the very next day I was veritably deluged with email explaining how out of touch I was with the modern world. First my eldest cousin:

Geoff, Geoff, Geoff,

Much as I giggle with mirth at your wonderful description of a pimped out Hummer stretch parked at the Anchorage Tastee Freeze, Son, you are revealing yourself to be a sheltered MEENA S-O-O-O TAN.

Limo-Hummers, or is it Hummer-Limos, are now de rigeur. As I recall, about 3 years ago there was dust-up in LA over an attempt to limit the length of limos to ( I think it was) 50 feet. The reason: Hummer was about the only one factory-equipped with frame and suspension to support such beast without extra re-build expense and the competition didn't like it. True to form, Angelnoes rose as one mighty chorus and smote down the Dragon of Unwanted Regulation. Californians know officious, intermeddling, liberal, nanny-state, government when they see it. [Unfortunately, most of the time they like it.] Everybody had to "arrive" in one, and arrive, and arrive, and arri-i-i-ive. Then, it became "high school." I think now the poobahs go for personalized stretched Escalades -- I kid you not, they will detail the damn things with your name or something for a mere $500 or so extra (it has got to come off really easily at that price). But I may be a limo generation behind, not having been to LA since last September.

When I was there for several weeks in 04, I personally marveled at the half-block long jet black, silver, and other Hummer standard color beauties. Then, you had to be in a non-Hummer-standard color to make your mark (think robin's egg blue, or metallic fuschia). I think local colleges out there offer degrees in limo selection, design, and marketing [no, that part is just exaggeration--as far as I know].

The center of the limo universe is LA, uh...not The Twin Cities, beautiful and liveable though they may ever be.

Yours in Wonder,

--Mike

And then nail in the coffin, my wonderful, loving Mother:

Even I, your elderly, stay-at-home, cracker mother, have seen Hummer limos here in Provincial Florida. Admittedly, not parked in front of the Tasty Freeze in Anchorage, Alaska, a setting I especially appreciated! We do have some "big time" hotels and plenty of tourists around here.

Have a big time on your trip around the World and steer clear of the Asian Flu Bug.

Love you, Mother

To which I could only respond:

Gentle Readers,

My more erudite cousin and my Mother have set me straight on the growing popularity of the Hummer Limo. I forward their comments to you, and apologize for not knowing a cultural phenomenon when I saw it. You know when a fad hits Alaska that it is established.

Geoff

Having established yet again that I am qualified to fly a freighter for food by successfully completing yet another rigorous course of simulators, I can begin another week of globe trotting beginning tomorrow.

I have three trips in a week in the next week and a half. One down to Newark, Chicago and back to Anchorage, then a trip to Oakland, CA and back then a short Asian trip...Narita, Hong Kong, Seoul and back. I will be ever alert for new and absurd things to share with you, my esteemed readers and loving family.

Dad / Geoff