Cosmo Crapper

This email is from a trip to Nagoya, Japan in April of 2005.

Warning, All, this e-mail contains potty humor! As I do not wish to offend, continue reading at your own risk. You have been warned!

The hotel rooms we've been staying in - both in Nagoya and Osaka - have state-of-the-art Japanese crappers. An adequate description defies the meager talents of your humble correspondent. Therefore, you will find attached to this missive a picture. The Gentle Reader is humbly requested to refer to the picture before continued reading.

This is not your standard Japanese "Benjo" that I recall from my years on Okinawa. No squatting here. One sits.

At first glance, the potty looks fairly conventional. It’s got a seat, a bowl, a water tank and a flush handle, same as in America. On closer inspection, the curious will notice a control bar on the reader's right side of the picture; more on that later.

When one sits, one is struck by the padded seat. This is not a significant development since padded seats have been available for decades in the good ol' US of A. But, not so fast, GI. A few moments after taking a seat; one begins to notice that the padded seat is warmed electrically to keep one's nether regions from developing a chill. The features only get better.

The next thing one will notice is that placing one's weight upon the seat engages a micro switch powering a pump causing a trickle of water to issue from under the bowl's rim. This initiates a pleasant sound reminiscent of a mountain stream- which as you can well imagine, gentle reader - is a clever design that greatly enhances the experience of using this device. There appears to be some sort of timer built into the pump circuitry as the trickling sound does not continue for as long as one remains seated, but, in fact, stops at some point during the process. (Unless of course, one concludes one's business with dispatch.)

As a side note, I must admit that I think there is some sexism in this design. A male using the device in the conventional configuration dear to all males - the seat standing at attention in the vertical position - does not derive the trickling benefit. No, only seated users will experience this pleasure. A minor design fault, I believe. Or possibly, if you subscribe to the "Black Helicopter" crowd, it is an insidious plot to feminize the male population. You, gentle reader, must decide.

Finally, I move on to the control bar on the side of this device. One function contained on the bar controls the temperature of the heated seat. But moving down from that, you will notice that there is a water pressure control. This controls the water pressure supplied to the bidet feature of the crapper. Extreme care must be utilized by the unwary user in hand placement while occupied on the throne. It is easy to push off on this control as one rises from the seat causing an unwanted and severely surprising stream of water to issue upward with deleterious effects unless one is firmly seated. I leave the mental image to you.

As near as I can tell the bidet has two modes. I have no direct knowledge - frankly, the thing frightens me and my main goal is to not arouse it from its slumber. But reading the directions, it appears that it can function in a steady and directed stream mode or in a gentler and all encompassing mist/shower function.

One final feature is contained on the Osaka models but not on the Nagoya hotel devices. Pressing a button will cause a deodorizer/disinfectant to issue forth and a fresh piney aroma to fill the lavatory. Those clever Japanese!!

You now have my complete knowledge of these devices. I hope you find it as intriguing as I do.

I remain,

Dad/Geoff