Gooey Ducks

"Deep in the human unconscious is a pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense. But the real universe is always one step beyond logic." - Frank Herbert, Dune


Gentle Readers and Loved Ones,

On Hanukkah, (Dec 12, 2009) we 'operated' from Anchorage down to Seoul, Korea. It is not often that a freight dog experiences whimsy professionally and I feel compelled to tell you about it when it does.

The last 'cans' to get loaded before we close up the jet are the 'Haz Cans'.

We make a lot of money flying Hazardous Freight that the people carriers are not allowed to have on their jet. 'Haz' is closely regulated and monitored by the FAA and the EPA. There is a huge 40 page or so chapter in our Flight Operations Manual giving me detailed guidance in how handle this sort of freight.

'Live animals' are included on the Haz paperwork because the proximity and location of the two needs to be considered and planned for. Usually, the First Officer goes back and inspects the loading of the Haz, does a 'bufoonery check' on the paperwork and brings it to me for approval and my signature.

On this flight, he has a goofy look on his face as he hands me the paperwork. He says something that sounds to me like:

"There are gooey ducks loaded on the main deck."

"Say whut?", sez I, somewhat stupidly.

"Gooey Ducks".

"Whazza Gooey Dux?"

"I think they are burrowing clams. They are a delicacy in Asia."

At this point, I am intrigued. However, there is a time and place for everything, and learning more about gooey dux ten minutes before push-back, start-up, taxi and takeoff is not a good idea. What is important is knowing what we have to do to maintain an environment conducive to delivering the gooey dux to the customer in the desired condition. So, I ask:

"Whaddawegoddadoo for the gooey dux?"

"Looks like it says keep the temperature at 60 degrees or so."

I can do that, so I sign the haz paperwork and we blast off into the long, delirious, burning blue and cruise for 8.5 hours to the mysterious Orient and Seoul, Korea.

Safely tucked away in the Seoul Hilton, I made it a high priority to begin researching the novel new concept of gooey dux. I found this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Geoduck

So....a geoduck is a very large clam prized in asia as a delicacy. Ugly critters - although they may be genesis of the phrase: 'As happy as a clam.' On the other hand, maybe not.

I can now add geoducks to lobsters, seafood, baby chicks, horses and live turtles to my personal menagerie of animals I've flown with.

I ain't doing 'snakes on a plane.'

As a conclusion, I discovered this link:

http://dsc.discovery.com/videos/dirty-jobs-gooey-ducks.html

I pity da fool who ain't seen Mike Rowe's, Discovery Channel show, 'Dirty Jobs'. I post this link with some concern as I am not allowed to view this video in mysterious Asia. I have heard from reputable sources that the show plays off the prurient nature of the geoduck reproductive process.

You cannot say that you have not been warned.

On that happy note, I remain,

Dad / Geoff